Hi semua. I have an entry to write pasal my experience using Jungle Train from Gemas, Negeri Sembilan to Wakaf Bharu, Kelantan. Tapi still have no mood to write about it.

Alhamdulillah, my life now has been filled with so many activities. Looking back at my monthly planner, I basically had no proper rest. The only time I get well rested, masa demam je bulan 2 haritu. Yes. Then continued being busy with my life and making time for everyone. One day, I wanna have my own sweet time like pergi spa. 

Today I just wanna share my Ramadan experience. This month, I made extra preparation for Ramadan, Since I have an iPad, it was easier for me to make a Ramadan Planner. I had only 3 main goals for this Ramadan. Which were to khatam, sedekah and complete my tadabbur class.

But, since I'm still WFH, I decided to sell my qookies! Why? because I spent too much since January and I needed to cover all my spending. My target was RM1.5k only which around 60 balangs. Alhamdulillah within few days of promoting, I reached my target and it was more than that. Thanks to my friends and families for supporting me. Anyway, even though I'm working from home, my shift starts at 1pm-10pm. But I already planned my baking time. Starts from early Ramadan, I bancuh the ingredients after finished working and I continued baking before I started working. The process starts two days before my RD (Mon & Tue). Each week, I have to make around 20 balangs. Thus, I baked around 11 balangs a day from Thur to Sun. 

Ini contoh jadual :
10pm Khamis - bancuh
9am Jumaat - bake
1pm to 10 pm - kerja
10pm Jumaat - bancuh again and repeat until Sat/Sun (sampai cukup target)

During my RD, I went out and delivered the cookies. First week, I settled for Melaka area. Second week, for Pahang, Negeri Sembilan and Johor. Third week in KL /  Selangor area.

Penat tak? Gila ke tak penat. But alhamdulillah my mum was my biggest supporter, she helped me a lot. Without her, I believed I gave up. I almost gave up. I wanted to make time for everyone. Of course ada banyak hati nak jaga. but sometimes I cannot control anything. Sometimes tersalah cakap or plan lari. I just hope some of them understand that I cannot control anything. I admitted my fault and deeply sorry.

Masa third week, we (me and Aisyah) went to KL, before pergi KL, I went to Nilai and Puchong settle kan barang-barang Ude. Luckily ada Aisyah to help me. Then, I drove to Bukit Jalil passed the cookies to Nasreen. Then, I went to Mid Valley sebab nak settle kan order. Dah sakit kepala sebab terlalu panas, then balik rumah sekejap. I had to wait for Madi at 6pm and we both pergi ke Foodsbury, Shah Alam for iftar. Pergi Shah Alam masa tu jammed lah orang balik kerja. The journey from KL-Shah Alam jadi sejam. Luckily ada Madi kat sebelah, at 6.40pm suddenly Atikah texted us and cakap half of our order takda and kena order baru. Bayangkan we booked and paid already for the meal tau. Bagitau lewat semua takda stock. Sampai at 7pm kat situ, then borak and masa berbuka only 3 je meals yang sampai. Paling malang sekali, I waited for my food sampai 8.20pm. No sign me and Atikah's meal will come, so Atikah's husband cancelled the order and we decided to eat at Pelita since we both tak makan lagi. I already had my migraine dari siang and tak makan lagi for berbuka dengan harapan makanan sampai cepat. But hancur musnah harapan ku. Rasa gigil badan and nak marah je. Tapi nak marah pun tak boleh sebab the staff pun penat and only sorang je waiter. Jadi sabar jelah. Plan lari teruk, sebab awalnya my plan after I had my iftar, I supposed to deliver the cookies to my cousin in Kota Kemuning (which is exactly sebelah Klang ye) and Elia in KD. Both memang different directions which kalau fikir balik, tak larat. But I only delivered to Farah je before I went home sebab memang lalu Subang. Both of them tak sempat sebab my head hurt teruk and my body memang dah bagi sign it was my limit. Esok tu baru lah hantar kat Kota Kemuning. Tapi dua dua tu memang different direction and I can't drive jauh dah. But I knew, my actions hurt someone's feeling yelah last minute changing plan. Tbh, I wanna make time for everyone, I don't wanna hurt anyone pun but I can't control certain things. But, I learnt from my mistake and will plan nicely later. It was my fault and deeply sorry.

After fikir semula, after this.. whenever I wanna deliver cookies yang banyak, I want people to come and pickup their order. I wanna deliver the cookies myself to show appreciation. Tapi, I admitted tak larat because I work, bake and deliver it myself. But to save my energy, I hope they don't mind if they can collect their cookies in future time. 

Today 20/4/2022, migraine still ada. Dah 3 hari straight ya. Something happen juga, my body aches and tak larat nak kerja sebab penat and sakit kepala. Then, 15 minutes before iftar, period pula. Nasib baik tengah sakit perut and terus pergi toilet and perasan. Sad a bit. but it's okay because Allah must prepare something good for me. Memang lah plan lari lagi, because if period hujung Ramadan (as what I expected), I can start kemas rumah and all out for baking. I have another 6 more juzk to complete my quran.... within 3 days dah plan dah nak habiskan. Tapi apakan daya, saya hanya merancang. Tapi think again, I can focus with tadabbur class yang dah tak keep track. Also, I can have 10 Ramadan terakhir tu. Alhamdulillah jelah for everything. Plan gua lari takpa, because I can control my emotion. Tapi kalau plan yang melibatkan orang lain lari, fuh susah hati.

Bulan ramadan ni, selalu teruji kesabaran dan kemarahan. I remembered I was tired and memang takda mood langsung to talk. Tapi Baem was so nice and dia bagi nasihat. Even though he's no longer there with me, I just wanna quote him.

"teruskan menjadi anak yang soleh dan selalu ada di sisi ibu dan abah. It's okay, jangan fikirkan ikhlas kerana solat itu juga perlu dipaksa baru diterima ikhlas. Jadi, teruskan je tolong family sendiri okay."

"Semoga Allah permudahkan urusan sayang... moga Allah gantikan kepenatan sayang dengan ganjaran yang lebih besar. rest well sayang.. jangan stress okay. Ingat penat bekerja adalah penat yang disukai Allah. Moga positif selalu."

Within less than a month mengaji, ada satu ayat ni sangat-sangat tertarik and also become one of my fave.

"Atau adakah (mereka menolak seruanmu itu kerana) engkau (Muhammad) meminta kepada mereka sesuatu pemberian (sebagai hasil pendapatan seruanmu)? (Ini pun tidak!) Kerana engkau percaya pemberian Tuhanmu lebih baik, dan Dia jua sebaik-baik Pemberi Rezeki" (Al-mu'minuun 23: 72)

Ayat ni macam soothing after rasa few times buat hampir semua benda and orang lain tak tolong-tolong kita and macam terbit rasa tidak ikhlas dalam diri. Like tertanya-tanya sampai bila? kenapa? and nak ungkit? and why me? why you don't. Tulis ni pun rasa boleh nak nangis sebab teringat. Then, kebetulan I read this ayat few days after rasa sedih and kecewa. I think, it's okay, I change my mindset, I do it for Allah. Balasan Allah lebih baik daripada balasan manusia yang kita tertunggu-tunggu dia tolong kita. Selagi ada kudrat, I will always help my mum.

That's all for my sharing today. I want to always remember this Ramadan. It is special to me even though masih teruji. To my dear Ibrahim Ishak, I might lost you now. Your existence might be short, but you gave huge impact to my life. I will always remember your advice "sabar. not to gelabah, jangan buat semua and buat satu-satu" which makes me realized, I need to respect my limit. i know my limit, tapi selalu tak respect the limit which I force myself then tada! moody. YES one step at time. Semoga awak selalu dalam lindungan Allah dan dipermudahkan urusan dunia dan akhirat. Sorry we can't heal together.

This entry is for those yang in the process of going through a trauma. I used to be in a state where, i was anxious to pass certain date because it’s their anniversary or what so ever. I don’t wanna go to certain places because it triggers certain unpleasant things. I tend to overthink and honestly will kill the mood. I unable to enjoy certain things because I think a lot. I think of things I shouldn’t. It’s all due to the trauma and all. Eg: when my sister ajak pergi terengganu for example, i just can’t and i don’t want to be there. I know you would say I’m childish. Even my sister said I can’t move on. HAHA. It’s not matter of I can’t 

But as time passes by, i did it. I can go through certain tarikh. I passed that! And I’m so proud of myself. I was anxious at that time but I control myself. You can too. I just wanna tell you, it’s gonna be okay. You just control yourself and go through the day. I know you cannot control your mind. But you can control your action. Control yourself from doing something stupid. Control your hands from torturing your mind. This too shall pass.

While you recovering, please enjoy yourself. You deserve that. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to get out from the bubble of sorrow. I pray for your strength. I pray you can forget those tragic moments. I want you to heal and grow. Just like me.

Last November, me and my colleagues we went to Kuala Kubu Bharu for a short camping and rafting. Best tak? Of course lah best even barai nak mampus. Yes barai. 

8th November 2021 - Isnin tu, I just finished working at 7.30am and I slept for 2 hours then my sister and I drove to Shah Alam to buy groceries with Atikah. After finished buying the groceries we went to Fir’s house to marinate the chicken and everything. Ahhh letih weh then after that I went to Mid Valley to collect the farewell gift for Didi. Then I searched for books, hadiah from Syakeer for Didi jugak. After that, I went to Kota Damansara to meet Elia. Apa eh purpose jumpa Elia I can’t remember. Then only we went back to KL. Balut hadiah Syakeer and tidur. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Crazy but yea everything was cramped within 1 day.

9th November 2021 - bangun pun awal lah dah set alarm 5.30am but forced myself to wake at 6am. Weh I just slept 2 hours je on the previous day so obviously I need longer sleep. Haha. Exactly 7.30am we went out and fetch Fir. Fir ni sumpah tunggu dia almost 40mins nak siap and mandi. I would like to kill someone for waiting then we were stuck in a traffic jam. Gila woi like almost 2 hours lah they (group Atikah, Atikah’s husband, Madi and Mera) waited for us kat petrol station. Sempat suruh belikan coffee.

Arrived at KKB on 10am. Semua plan nak breakfast lah apa lah hancur. Time tu Fir dah macam nak mati dah duduk belakang. Kesian member. Haha. Kesian doh si Didi kena sidai an hour doh kat KKB. Haha. Then after we reached at Pierose Water Rafting Sdn Bhd, the instructor gave us instructions and safety tips etc. Then ready to take off! Hahahahaha. Masa tu Aisyah dah lah pakai helmet terbalik and the instructor kejar dia nak amek gambar. This one was funny tho. Then we went to our camping site and ready lah nak rafting.

To be honest kan, I was all excited. Sebab ni macam in my bucket list. Nervous tu tak sangat because I was with Didi and she had few rafting experiences. Basically I was nervous pun sebab takut tak cukup energy because we didn’t take our breakfast, kan tak sempat haha. Rafting ganas tak? TAK! It was fun weh super fun. Memang rasa pengalaman tertelan air semua. Bot tergolek semua rasa. Ada one time tu, bot tu tergolek and I screamed “Aisyah! Aisyah!” because I was worried of her.. air laju weh, pastu the instructor sebelah aku je so he heard everything lah. He saw lah I was clumsy and all. He asked me berpaut kat tali boat and bertenang then I saw Aisyah. But, after that incident tu, every time ada difficulties, he kept mentioning Aisyah’s name. He was like “Aisyah mana? Aisyah mana?” Hahahahha. But it was super fun. And we managed to do rock jumping. Gahhhh best.

The rafting price was RM170/person because we took same package with camping site at Glamping Pinang Sebatang (RM240/night). The price is honestly reasonable because the instructor siap ambil gambar and of course nyawa awak semua tanggungjawab depa. Even kita kayuh paddle (betul ke guna perkataan kayuh?), kita dayung I guess. Okay even kita mendayung the boat, but most of the time sebenarnya instructor tu yang buat. Why I said that? Because there’s a group yang memang kena jerit dengan instructor sebab diorang tak ikut arahan and I saw with my own eyes how struggling the instructor nak kawal bot dengan arus deras. Keluar peluh jantam semua muscle macam popeye the sailorman! Overall, it was a wonderful experience!

Anyway, our camping site pun best! They provided a mini kitchen yang complete lah dengan kuali, senduk, stove mak nenek for you to use. And diorang ada hammock in case korang nak tidur kat hammock. Air sungai clean and sejuk! And yea traditional sikit tapi exciting sebab nak transfer beg kena guna tatau doh nak cakap apa benda alah tu. Manually tarik macam lift seberang sungai. Then, kitorang berakit ke camping site! Best tak best tak? Haha excited lah for a person like me. I don’t have much photo of the camping site because we were busy after rafting sebab mandi sungai and BBQ, so not much time nak explore tempat tu. Korang boleh check out their IG and FB (link FB asal lah aku tatau mana nak cari. Sorry!)

We went back the same night. Tapi masa tu memang aku dah barai lah. Luckily Aisyah was there and helped me to drive. Then, when I arrived home in Melaka, terus demam. Hahahahahha. And itu memang first spending time dengan colleagues. Didi pun tak lama lepas tu habis kerja. Managed to surprise her with farewell presents. Dia tak sedar pun I put the present inside her car. Hehe. And i cried because losing her is like losing half of my wings. She’s the first one I trust at the office. Takpa lah apa apa pun, I’m happy for her cause she deserves the best!!! And I want her to be a succesful person. Whatever it is, I had a memorable moment with everyone! I love November. -ql

Thank you my Lord, Allah the one I trust. The one who knows everything.

Ever since this year, even I started the year in sadness (which I don't remember why), Allah has given me many blessings. Even I was battling with loneliness because of MCO as well as my working environment where I can't make any real good friends.

But He blessed me with contract renewal and increment. Then, dapat shift malam and dapat tarawih and khatam during Ramadan 2021. Ever since Ramadhan last year, I have decided to put faith in Allah. Because I was lost. I was somebody who lost and was wondering my purpose of life. I prayed 5 times daily but my heart, still empty. Thanks to Helmi who guided me to constantly read quran, then I started to do common Sunnah prayers, I hafal doa sebab anxious dulu, and now I started to do daily Zikr whenever I can. Now, I have my new friends and happier at the office. 

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My plan to engage with someone I dearly love, also someone who brings me to this path, seem no hope. We postponed our engagement for so many times. First, because his mom was infected with Covid-19, then due to endless MCO, then the day we should engage on January was clashed with his sister's wedding reception. And then, sudden MCO again. It was hard to travel during MCO. Then during my brother's reception, we cancelled it again (lost count). But on 27th May, something happened and I decided to call it off. And after two months Allah helps me strengthen my heart. I am yet still confused but the confusion is nothing when your heart is stronger now. I don't know, what if everything that happened between two of us, are supposed to protect us from future harm? Maybe He wants the best for us. We never know.

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On 21st July, I was tested positive for my RTK test. But luckily, my PCR was negative. But since then, I have to work from home to avoid any issues. I don't know if it's coincidence or what, but few days before my RD, I forgot to bring my telekung. For two days straight I said to myself  "ala, lupa lagi bawak telekung". Because baru je habis period, so I washed my telekung and I forgot to bring to office. But who knows, disebabkan lupa tu, rupanya I need to continue working from home disebabkan kapasiti office dah lebih daripada 30%. And my telekung is safe now with me, and she's not lonely there without being used. 

During two days of quarantine (between RTK to PCR test), I was stuck at my small room! Haha. Rasa sangat penat. Ada masa I cried because when I mentally not okay, I tend to overthink. And I started to wonder all the sadness happened to me. But to be honest, that day, I realized that I am so loved by many. And I started to count my blessings. My housemates were so nice. Kak Balqis really taking care of me. Basuhkan pinggan and panaskan makanan. She even asked if I want hot milo cause dia tahu aku kena minum air panas pagi-pagi (that little thing). My other housemate belanjakan air and food just to make feel better. My colleague also bagi semangat and all.

Then, of course I won't be able to meet Didi. Tak tahu lah, tapi aku sentiasa rasa macam tak adil if aku dapat, Didi tak dapat. Contoh macam she had to work on Mid Shift sebab bulan puasa dulu dia nak berbuka sama keluarga, so dia tukar shift to 11pm. Aku yang bersalah if she's unhappy working on Mid Shift. Tbh, I want her to feel happy to come at work. Rupanya suddenly boleh claim duit minyak semua and then masa PKPD, we need to work at 9.30am sama macam budak shift pagi, so at least ada lah sikit nak rawat kesedihan. Same as this WFH thing. I felt unfair if Didi tak happy working at the office. But who knows, our lead decided nak bagi Didi WFH. Cantik lah perancangan Allah.

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My brother and sister-in-law were tested positive Covid-19 on 28th July. They were infected during BBQ with the other family. To summarize, back from the BBQ, my brother came to my mom's house to give some food. Luckily, my brother just dropped by and he didn't even meet my mom. Ibu sempat tanya je, "mana jaja" from the prayer room. Then, they went home without seeing or touching my mom or my dad. I was glad. My mom terdetik juga, "eh along dah balik?" as she heard my brother's car driving away from home. I know she was sad because unable to spend time with her son. But we don't know, if the sadness meant to protect us from harm? Their symptoms were quite bad for me. Fever, sore throat, diarrhea, tiredness as well as feeling cold. What if my parents have to deal with these? Or maybe lagi teruk dari ni?

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Sometimes, yea there are things that make us sad, broken and disappointed. But we don't know anything. We don't know what is coming. And trust me, bagi Allah, semuanya mudah. If He wants to do it in your way, it's easy for Him. Tapi, sometimes Allah tak buat macam tu walaupun ianya mudah bagi-Nya. Sometimes, apa kita plan memang akan berubah sedikit atau banyak. Tapi who knows, apa yang berubah tu, is actually to protect us from harm? or maybe Allah wants to give better things in the future? We never know!

Ada satu petikan firman Allah from Surah Al-Baqarah: dan boleh jadi kamu benci kepada sesuatu padahal ia baik bagi kamu, dan boleh jadi kamu suka kepada sesuatu padahal ia buruk bagi kamu. Dan (ingatlah), Allah jualah yang mengetahui (semua itu), sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahuinya. (Al-Baqarah 2:216)

Percaya lah, whatever Allah takes away, He brings it back ten times better. Percaya lah sebaik-baik pengharapan dan pertolongan adalah dari Allah.

To be honest, since Ramadan 2020, where I decided to walk myself to this path because I don't want to feel lost anymore (sumpah trauma), and I was blessed with so many things! Iman ini ada naik dan turun, sebab tu kalau boleh this time I wanna do it constantly and tak tinggal terus macam dulu. Tipu lah kalau aku perform setiap masa. Ada masa sumpah malas and I wonder jugak macam mana ni. Tapi get up and try balik, sebab once I lost again, I believe I will be in misery again. I don't want to be in such state anymore and I don't want to lose this sweetness.

Memang, memang ada sadness and disappointment happened along the way contohnya macam I broke up after 4 years of relationship. Tapi kali ni Allah reveals everything why I should move forward and believe Him! I am a sinner but I feel loved by Allah because He knows I'm weak (because I failed so many time previously). Previously, He showed me the signs, but I often ignored it because I didn't see it clearly. But this time, He helps me by showing little by little the reasons why I should believe in Him. These signs really strengthen my heart. And I believe, I'm walking at the right path. Have strength and don't doubt this time. Kalau aku tersasar again this time, buat salah yang sama this time, aku lah orang yang zalim dan rugi. Cause this time, Allah clearly show the assurance I need. After one lost, He brings me old and new people. Hehe. And yea it is also a moment for me to learn and improve my weaknesses.

This time, the best thing I could ask is to strengthen my heart, protect me from harm and tunjukkan hikmah setiap apa yang berlaku. When it comes hati, aku memang mohon Allah kuatkan hati aku macam mana dia kuatkan hati ibu Nabi Musa AS. Aku ada baca firman Allah dari Surah Al-Qasas baru-baru ni, and I love it: Dan (sepeninggalannya) menjadilah hati ibu Musa kosong; sesungguhnya ia nyaris-nyaris menyatakan perihal anaknya itu dengan berterus terang jika tidaklah kami kuatkan hati (dengan perasaan sabar dan tenang tenteram), supaya tetaplah ia dari orang-orang yang percaya (akan janji Allah). (Al Qasas 28:10)

But along the way nak berubah aku harap aku tak rasa diri lebih baik atau bagus daripada orang lain. Semoga kita semua kuat dan tabah. Percaya lah pada Allah.

It was started with MCO in KL.

I was mentally not okay dealing with distance. But I seek some lights. I did. I asked my friend (Madi) if she has any books to recommend. She lends me Dheo's. First novel or book I ever read in 2021. Then, I bought another book after I finished Dheo's in January. I want to make sure I will finish this book in February and will constantly reading a book every month.

I was thinking of joining kelas mengaji. But still thinking up until now. Still having excuses. Allah tak bukak hati lagi kot.

Not really a surprise, doa permudahkan urusan has been my routine every dawn. Along with Allahuma ya Bariq, ya Fattah, and ya Razak. Slowly, I added al-Waqiah after that. At first, I recite al-Waqiah as I read kelebihan al-Waqiah.

Daripada Ibnu Mas’ud r.a, Rasulullah SAW bersabda: “Sesiapa membaca surah Al Waqi’ah setiap malam, maka dia tidak akan ditimpa kesusahan atau kemiskinan selama-lamanya.” (HR: Al- Baihaqi)

So, my first intention is to ensure more rezeki. To avoid poorness. But I recited the surah using my Mu'jam, the surah is basically regarding kiamat. Then, I changed the intention. After I read the translation, I decided al-Waqiah as my daily kiamat alarm. I need to put that in my mind every freaking morning though eventually, I will forget after I start working.

Still not a constant routine. But trying my best to follow this tip; 21 hari untuk merubah sesuatu menjadi tabiat dan 90 hari untuk mengubah tabiat menjadi gaya hidup (lifestyle)

I have an issue with memorizing surah Dhuha. I was bored at the office, lonely and all. At first, I just memorized the translation from the first ayat to the fourth or fifth ayat I guess. Out of 11 ayat in total. And I think it is one of a powerful surah. Aku jatuh cinta selepas surah al-Insyirah. I can't exactly memorize what stated on Mu'jam. But boleh lah faham how nak sampaikan the meaning:

1. Demi waktu dhuha

2. Dan malam apabila sunyi sepi.

3. Allah tidak meninggalkan mu (Muhammad) dan tidak membenci mu

4. Dan sesungguhnya kesudahan itu lebih baik daripada permulaannya

5. Dan sesungguhnya Tuhanmu akan memberikan mu kejayaan dan kebahagiaan di dunia dan di akhirat sehingga kamu berpuas hati

To kill my high-intensity boredom, I made sure, today plan aku, fully memorize surah Dhuha. Later on, I finally memorized everything after so long! I have an issue with reciting Dhuha masa solat sebab the last 3 ayat are quite the same. So selalu confused. Bila aku confused, aku tak baca habis. Then no more confusion. Tak tahu nak cakap working life is so sad ke apa, because I can't talk and everything so nak kill the time, I need to make plan for the day. I am currently, trying my best nak hafal al-Waqiah sebab serious mengantuk every morning.

Not sure where this kerajinan came from. Then, I normalized ayat kursi and surah al-Ikhlas before I leave and enter the house. I expect nothing but extra protection and more rezeki.

The magic happened as long as I can remember when my salary was increased. I always thought if and only if my salary slightly increases, maybe my life is more comfortable than now. Bukan tak syukur, the gaji previously was okay tapi still struggling due to high commitment. Plus, I'm living in KL, I have to struggle sikit. With previous gaji, I barely shop for myself huhu. Then, tadaaaaa office increases the salary, and I am in a comfort zone now.

Then, business is booming. Repeated customers, new customers but I found lights in my business. And looking at the effort poured by my sister, I felt the strength. I must keep going. This business is something I want her to have on masa lapang.

This followed with my contract extension. After kenaikan gaji, me and my friend (Didi) already concluded we won't have a yearly increment. The increment is based on our performance. But I was too excited about the contract extension cause I have better pay now and my contract is extended. What else I should feel? Other than feeling grateful. Then, I came to the office, I checked the email, and I realized there was an increment of 7% but who cares about the percentage cause you get something you not expected kot? I can't thank more. Memang! Memang aku berdoa, memang ada aku bersedekah dengan niat, aku ada increment. Tapi lepas naik gaji, I thought it is more than enough dah. I won't ask more. I asked my team leader anything I could improve cause I always felt I wasn't good. I always felt like I made so many mistakes. My assessments, my quality and all, not always good. He laughed and asked me to be grateful. I felt motivated for awhile.

I thought there will be no changing of shift. Adui they came surprisingly. And tak mintak lebih, just nak shift pagi atau malam je. I glad they said mid-shift will go to night shift 2 which starts at 11 pm. OMG. I used to hate night-shift more than anything. I had my anxiety when I was in night shift. I cried a lot. I can't sleep. Finding balance. But who knows night shift is something I'm waiting for. Why? Cause Ramadan is coming! Yas I want to make early preparation for Ramadan. I want to make sure I have enough time macam tahun lepas to ensure I can khatam. I can perform terawih and all. I just want that. For once I felt excited for Ramadan. That's all. Allah knows better than me of course that is why He put me on mid-shift. He knows what I want. He wanna make sure my Ramadan excitement (yang jarang sekali rasa) terbalas.

Then, I was mentally not okay with my rest day previously. Because it was on Thursday and Friday. Mid-shift doesn't have a full allowance as night-shift (less money) and shit all Public Holiday falls on Thursday or Friday. You named it, Christmas, New Year, Hari Wilayah, CNY. The perks of working on Public Holiday, you entitle double pay which means.. yes extra income. Haha. I have no rezeki for double pay. But I was granted so many extra leaves! Who knows, this new shift, my rest day is on Satuday and Sunday?! Who knows kan? Ketentuan Allah kan. Who knows cuti aku berlebih-lebih now, and whenever aku mentally not okay, aku cuti and relax. And who knows cuti lebih tu, I can request untuk along kahwin! Who knows kan?

Yas that's basically the lights. Tatau if Allah balas cash every effort I did to be close to him. I am not sure. Is it dhuha? waqiah? or what? Something aku tengah try jugak buat slowly jadi routine. Tengah nak tanam tabiat. Sambil fighting my inner demon. While tengah berusaha nak kuatkan hati, mental dan emosi. Sambil melawan rasa lonely di tempat kerja.

I am finally finding myself. I read. I try my best to be close to Allah. I used to promise I won't tinggalkan agama. Tbh, I am not. Cuma improving. Back then, I was lost. Now, I'm not mentally okay, but at least I don't feel the sesat and takda arah. Everything seems on track.

To many more lights this year. Aamiin.

In case you want to read full translation of dhuha, click here - Surah Dhuha Malay Translation

In case korang wondering okay ke baca doa surah etc untuk harap pembalas (ragu ragu macam aku), baca penjelasan mufti kat sini - Baca Doa al-Quran Untuk Habuan?

That's all. I'm still fighting. Aku doakan korang.

If i kill myself? would I be selfish? would you think I'm weak? what would you think? Would you think my life is wasted? Cause honestly I don't give a damn bout life anymore. Our feelings they have highs and lows. But why "die" "kill" are visiting my thoughts for the third time in the month, i-want-to-kill-myself. Like somehow we are the prisoners of the same cell. Maybe we live under the same roof. Maybe the inner demon not just visiting and say hi, but we stuck forever.

Ladies, believe me it is not your fault for asking that I know I'm not struggling alone. My existence will only put more burden. I tried to show. I shared most of the times. But I feel weak of showing cause honestly everyone looks so fine. I know you guys hiding too. Or maybe you guys are strong. Not as weak as I am. I cried while talking. I was smiling. Cried while you were singing. I know everyone has their own battle. And mine, is something I can't describe. The feeling of wanting to be alone. SHut people out when people can't be there for me. I realized the selfishness. How I drag people and eat their happiness. They feel drain. Both energy and emotion. Because I'm sucking their own happiness. Maybe I am a zombie of eating people's happiness. Wanting attention in very toxic way.

I love my parents. They are my source of happiness. I think they can't just move on if they going to lose me. And I know they will do anything they can, cause they love me. 

Why? why I have everything but I still feel lonely. Why? Why I shut people out. I lose interest to something quickly. WHy I have a lot of thoughts. Negative thoughts. And why do I feel lonely?

I found happiness. In watching anime. Talking with someone deeply about life. Laughing to jokes. I'm not the old me. All I want is just like what you want. But I can't give it to people. Even every single thing I wrote here, just make me so confused. And I can't understand myself. My own thoughts. My inner demon. I read everything I wrote previously. In case I'm over dramatic. But no. I am not. Read if you get what I mean.