It was started with MCO in KL.

I was mentally not okay dealing with distance. But I seek some lights. I did. I asked my friend (Madi) if she has any books to recommend. She lends me Dheo's. First novel or book I ever read in 2021. Then, I bought another book after I finished Dheo's in January. I want to make sure I will finish this book in February and will constantly reading a book every month.

I was thinking of joining kelas mengaji. But still thinking up until now. Still having excuses. Allah tak bukak hati lagi kot.

Not really a surprise, doa permudahkan urusan has been my routine every dawn. Along with Allahuma ya Bariq, ya Fattah, and ya Razak. Slowly, I added al-Waqiah after that. At first, I recite al-Waqiah as I read kelebihan al-Waqiah.

Daripada Ibnu Mas’ud r.a, Rasulullah SAW bersabda: “Sesiapa membaca surah Al Waqi’ah setiap malam, maka dia tidak akan ditimpa kesusahan atau kemiskinan selama-lamanya.” (HR: Al- Baihaqi)

So, my first intention is to ensure more rezeki. To avoid poorness. But I recited the surah using my Mu'jam, the surah is basically regarding kiamat. Then, I changed the intention. After I read the translation, I decided al-Waqiah as my daily kiamat alarm. I need to put that in my mind every freaking morning though eventually, I will forget after I start working.

Still not a constant routine. But trying my best to follow this tip; 21 hari untuk merubah sesuatu menjadi tabiat dan 90 hari untuk mengubah tabiat menjadi gaya hidup (lifestyle)

I have an issue with memorizing surah Dhuha. I was bored at the office, lonely and all. At first, I just memorized the translation from the first ayat to the fourth or fifth ayat I guess. Out of 11 ayat in total. And I think it is one of a powerful surah. Aku jatuh cinta selepas surah al-Insyirah. I can't exactly memorize what stated on Mu'jam. But boleh lah faham how nak sampaikan the meaning:

1. Demi waktu dhuha

2. Dan malam apabila sunyi sepi.

3. Allah tidak meninggalkan mu (Muhammad) dan tidak membenci mu

4. Dan sesungguhnya kesudahan itu lebih baik daripada permulaannya

5. Dan sesungguhnya Tuhanmu akan memberikan mu kejayaan dan kebahagiaan di dunia dan di akhirat sehingga kamu berpuas hati

To kill my high-intensity boredom, I made sure, today plan aku, fully memorize surah Dhuha. Later on, I finally memorized everything after so long! I have an issue with reciting Dhuha masa solat sebab the last 3 ayat are quite the same. So selalu confused. Bila aku confused, aku tak baca habis. Then no more confusion. Tak tahu nak cakap working life is so sad ke apa, because I can't talk and everything so nak kill the time, I need to make plan for the day. I am currently, trying my best nak hafal al-Waqiah sebab serious mengantuk every morning.

Not sure where this kerajinan came from. Then, I normalized ayat kursi and surah al-Ikhlas before I leave and enter the house. I expect nothing but extra protection and more rezeki.

The magic happened as long as I can remember when my salary was increased. I always thought if and only if my salary slightly increases, maybe my life is more comfortable than now. Bukan tak syukur, the gaji previously was okay tapi still struggling due to high commitment. Plus, I'm living in KL, I have to struggle sikit. With previous gaji, I barely shop for myself huhu. Then, tadaaaaa office increases the salary, and I am in a comfort zone now.

Then, business is booming. Repeated customers, new customers but I found lights in my business. And looking at the effort poured by my sister, I felt the strength. I must keep going. This business is something I want her to have on masa lapang.

This followed with my contract extension. After kenaikan gaji, me and my friend (Didi) already concluded we won't have a yearly increment. The increment is based on our performance. But I was too excited about the contract extension cause I have better pay now and my contract is extended. What else I should feel? Other than feeling grateful. Then, I came to the office, I checked the email, and I realized there was an increment of 7% but who cares about the percentage cause you get something you not expected kot? I can't thank more. Memang! Memang aku berdoa, memang ada aku bersedekah dengan niat, aku ada increment. Tapi lepas naik gaji, I thought it is more than enough dah. I won't ask more. I asked my team leader anything I could improve cause I always felt I wasn't good. I always felt like I made so many mistakes. My assessments, my quality and all, not always good. He laughed and asked me to be grateful. I felt motivated for awhile.

I thought there will be no changing of shift. Adui they came surprisingly. And tak mintak lebih, just nak shift pagi atau malam je. I glad they said mid-shift will go to night shift 2 which starts at 11 pm. OMG. I used to hate night-shift more than anything. I had my anxiety when I was in night shift. I cried a lot. I can't sleep. Finding balance. But who knows night shift is something I'm waiting for. Why? Cause Ramadan is coming! Yas I want to make early preparation for Ramadan. I want to make sure I have enough time macam tahun lepas to ensure I can khatam. I can perform terawih and all. I just want that. For once I felt excited for Ramadan. That's all. Allah knows better than me of course that is why He put me on mid-shift. He knows what I want. He wanna make sure my Ramadan excitement (yang jarang sekali rasa) terbalas.

Then, I was mentally not okay with my rest day previously. Because it was on Thursday and Friday. Mid-shift doesn't have a full allowance as night-shift (less money) and shit all Public Holiday falls on Thursday or Friday. You named it, Christmas, New Year, Hari Wilayah, CNY. The perks of working on Public Holiday, you entitle double pay which means.. yes extra income. Haha. I have no rezeki for double pay. But I was granted so many extra leaves! Who knows, this new shift, my rest day is on Satuday and Sunday?! Who knows kan? Ketentuan Allah kan. Who knows cuti aku berlebih-lebih now, and whenever aku mentally not okay, aku cuti and relax. And who knows cuti lebih tu, I can request untuk along kahwin! Who knows kan?

Yas that's basically the lights. Tatau if Allah balas cash every effort I did to be close to him. I am not sure. Is it dhuha? waqiah? or what? Something aku tengah try jugak buat slowly jadi routine. Tengah nak tanam tabiat. Sambil fighting my inner demon. While tengah berusaha nak kuatkan hati, mental dan emosi. Sambil melawan rasa lonely di tempat kerja.

I am finally finding myself. I read. I try my best to be close to Allah. I used to promise I won't tinggalkan agama. Tbh, I am not. Cuma improving. Back then, I was lost. Now, I'm not mentally okay, but at least I don't feel the sesat and takda arah. Everything seems on track.

To many more lights this year. Aamiin.

In case you want to read full translation of dhuha, click here - Surah Dhuha Malay Translation

In case korang wondering okay ke baca doa surah etc untuk harap pembalas (ragu ragu macam aku), baca penjelasan mufti kat sini - Baca Doa al-Quran Untuk Habuan?

That's all. I'm still fighting. Aku doakan korang.