If i kill myself? would I be selfish? would you think I'm weak? what would you think? Would you think my life is wasted? Cause honestly I don't give a damn bout life anymore. Our feelings they have highs and lows. But why "die" "kill" are visiting my thoughts for the third time in the month, i-want-to-kill-myself. Like somehow we are the prisoners of the same cell. Maybe we live under the same roof. Maybe the inner demon not just visiting and say hi, but we stuck forever.

Ladies, believe me it is not your fault for asking that I know I'm not struggling alone. My existence will only put more burden. I tried to show. I shared most of the times. But I feel weak of showing cause honestly everyone looks so fine. I know you guys hiding too. Or maybe you guys are strong. Not as weak as I am. I cried while talking. I was smiling. Cried while you were singing. I know everyone has their own battle. And mine, is something I can't describe. The feeling of wanting to be alone. SHut people out when people can't be there for me. I realized the selfishness. How I drag people and eat their happiness. They feel drain. Both energy and emotion. Because I'm sucking their own happiness. Maybe I am a zombie of eating people's happiness. Wanting attention in very toxic way.

I love my parents. They are my source of happiness. I think they can't just move on if they going to lose me. And I know they will do anything they can, cause they love me. 

Why? why I have everything but I still feel lonely. Why? Why I shut people out. I lose interest to something quickly. WHy I have a lot of thoughts. Negative thoughts. And why do I feel lonely?

I found happiness. In watching anime. Talking with someone deeply about life. Laughing to jokes. I'm not the old me. All I want is just like what you want. But I can't give it to people. Even every single thing I wrote here, just make me so confused. And I can't understand myself. My own thoughts. My inner demon. I read everything I wrote previously. In case I'm over dramatic. But no. I am not. Read if you get what I mean.