Thank you my Lord, Allah the one I trust. The one who knows everything.
Ever since this year, even I started the year in sadness (which I don't remember why), Allah has given me many blessings. Even I was battling with loneliness because of MCO as well as my working environment where I can't make any real good friends.
But He blessed me with contract renewal and increment. Then, dapat shift malam and dapat tarawih and khatam during Ramadan 2021. Ever since Ramadhan last year, I have decided to put faith in Allah. Because I was lost. I was somebody who lost and was wondering my purpose of life. I prayed 5 times daily but my heart, still empty. Thanks to Helmi who guided me to constantly read quran, then I started to do common Sunnah prayers, I hafal doa sebab anxious dulu, and now I started to do daily Zikr whenever I can. Now, I have my new friends and happier at the office.
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My plan to engage with someone I dearly love, also someone who brings me to this path, seem no hope. We postponed our engagement for so many times. First, because his mom was infected with Covid-19, then due to endless MCO, then the day we should engage on January was clashed with his sister's wedding reception. And then, sudden MCO again. It was hard to travel during MCO. Then during my brother's reception, we cancelled it again (lost count). But on 27th May, something happened and I decided to call it off. And after two months Allah helps me strengthen my heart. I am yet still confused but the confusion is nothing when your heart is stronger now. I don't know, what if everything that happened between two of us, are supposed to protect us from future harm? Maybe He wants the best for us. We never know.
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On 21st July, I was tested positive for my RTK test. But luckily, my PCR was negative. But since then, I have to work from home to avoid any issues. I don't know if it's coincidence or what, but few days before my RD, I forgot to bring my telekung. For two days straight I said to myself "ala, lupa lagi bawak telekung". Because baru je habis period, so I washed my telekung and I forgot to bring to office. But who knows, disebabkan lupa tu, rupanya I need to continue working from home disebabkan kapasiti office dah lebih daripada 30%. And my telekung is safe now with me, and she's not lonely there without being used.
During two days of quarantine (between RTK to PCR test), I was stuck at my small room! Haha. Rasa sangat penat. Ada masa I cried because when I mentally not okay, I tend to overthink. And I started to wonder all the sadness happened to me. But to be honest, that day, I realized that I am so loved by many. And I started to count my blessings. My housemates were so nice. Kak Balqis really taking care of me. Basuhkan pinggan and panaskan makanan. She even asked if I want hot milo cause dia tahu aku kena minum air panas pagi-pagi (that little thing). My other housemate belanjakan air and food just to make feel better. My colleague also bagi semangat and all.
Then, of course I won't be able to meet Didi. Tak tahu lah, tapi aku sentiasa rasa macam tak adil if aku dapat, Didi tak dapat. Contoh macam she had to work on Mid Shift sebab bulan puasa dulu dia nak berbuka sama keluarga, so dia tukar shift to 11pm. Aku yang bersalah if she's unhappy working on Mid Shift. Tbh, I want her to feel happy to come at work. Rupanya suddenly boleh claim duit minyak semua and then masa PKPD, we need to work at 9.30am sama macam budak shift pagi, so at least ada lah sikit nak rawat kesedihan. Same as this WFH thing. I felt unfair if Didi tak happy working at the office. But who knows, our lead decided nak bagi Didi WFH. Cantik lah perancangan Allah.
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My brother and sister-in-law were tested positive Covid-19 on 28th July. They were infected during BBQ with the other family. To summarize, back from the BBQ, my brother came to my mom's house to give some food. Luckily, my brother just dropped by and he didn't even meet my mom. Ibu sempat tanya je, "mana jaja" from the prayer room. Then, they went home without seeing or touching my mom or my dad. I was glad. My mom terdetik juga, "eh along dah balik?" as she heard my brother's car driving away from home. I know she was sad because unable to spend time with her son. But we don't know, if the sadness meant to protect us from harm? Their symptoms were quite bad for me. Fever, sore throat, diarrhea, tiredness as well as feeling cold. What if my parents have to deal with these? Or maybe lagi teruk dari ni?
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Sometimes, yea there are things that make us sad, broken and disappointed. But we don't know anything. We don't know what is coming. And trust me, bagi Allah, semuanya mudah. If He wants to do it in your way, it's easy for Him. Tapi, sometimes Allah tak buat macam tu walaupun ianya mudah bagi-Nya. Sometimes, apa kita plan memang akan berubah sedikit atau banyak. Tapi who knows, apa yang berubah tu, is actually to protect us from harm? or maybe Allah wants to give better things in the future? We never know!
Ada satu petikan firman Allah from Surah Al-Baqarah: dan boleh jadi kamu benci kepada sesuatu padahal ia baik bagi kamu, dan boleh jadi kamu suka kepada sesuatu padahal ia buruk bagi kamu. Dan (ingatlah), Allah jualah yang mengetahui (semua itu), sedangkan kamu tidak mengetahuinya. (Al-Baqarah 2:216)
Percaya lah, whatever Allah takes away, He brings it back ten times better. Percaya lah sebaik-baik pengharapan dan pertolongan adalah dari Allah.
To be honest, since Ramadan 2020, where I decided to walk myself to this path because I don't want to feel lost anymore (sumpah trauma), and I was blessed with so many things! Iman ini ada naik dan turun, sebab tu kalau boleh this time I wanna do it constantly and tak tinggal terus macam dulu. Tipu lah kalau aku perform setiap masa. Ada masa sumpah malas and I wonder jugak macam mana ni. Tapi get up and try balik, sebab once I lost again, I believe I will be in misery again. I don't want to be in such state anymore and I don't want to lose this sweetness.
Memang, memang ada sadness and disappointment happened along the way contohnya macam I broke up after 4 years of relationship. Tapi kali ni Allah reveals everything why I should move forward and believe Him! I am a sinner but I feel loved by Allah because He knows I'm weak (because I failed so many time previously). Previously, He showed me the signs, but I often ignored it because I didn't see it clearly. But this time, He helps me by showing little by little the reasons why I should believe in Him. These signs really strengthen my heart. And I believe, I'm walking at the right path. Have strength and don't doubt this time. Kalau aku tersasar again this time, buat salah yang sama this time, aku lah orang yang zalim dan rugi. Cause this time, Allah clearly show the assurance I need. After one lost, He brings me old and new people. Hehe. And yea it is also a moment for me to learn and improve my weaknesses.
This time, the best thing I could ask is to strengthen my heart, protect me from harm and tunjukkan hikmah setiap apa yang berlaku. When it comes hati, aku memang mohon Allah kuatkan hati aku macam mana dia kuatkan hati ibu Nabi Musa AS. Aku ada baca firman Allah dari Surah Al-Qasas baru-baru ni, and I love it: Dan (sepeninggalannya) menjadilah hati ibu Musa kosong; sesungguhnya ia nyaris-nyaris menyatakan perihal anaknya itu dengan berterus terang jika tidaklah kami kuatkan hati (dengan perasaan sabar dan tenang tenteram), supaya tetaplah ia dari orang-orang yang percaya (akan janji Allah). (Al Qasas 28:10)
But along the way nak berubah aku harap aku tak rasa diri lebih baik atau bagus daripada orang lain. Semoga kita semua kuat dan tabah. Percaya lah pada Allah.
